Has so much time passed by since I last wrote? Leana is 7 months now, I must be doing a great job documenting my mat leave experiences!
Winter is officially upon us in Ottawa. Who wants to spend all that time and effort to bundle up yourself, bundle up the baby, drag the car seat around, unbundle your baby, unbundle yourself, go to a 30 minute playgroup only to rinse and repeat the whole process and rush to go home for baby's next nap? It's exhausting but as a result, I am feeling a bit trapped at home lately. I usually don't mind it but since the baby has been eating solids 3 times a day, we've fallen into this routine where it feels like all I do is constantly cleaning up after her meals.
During the weekdays, I like to switch things up a bit and do things for me. It makes my feel like my own person vs this entity that exists for the sole purpose of taking care of this child. It is easy to lose your identity and become this "ideal" mom who does everything the "right" way, and who coddles their children. They want only the best for their children - the best clothes, the best car seat, the best stroller, the best toys, the best education, the best experiences and all of them captured in the best photos. It is seriously exhausting (and pricy!). We grew up without all of this stuff and we turned out all right. If the only thing I get to impart to my baby as she grows up is to "be kind to others," then I'll say I've done my job.
Back to the topic of identity though, it does feel like I am just this entity sometimes. Especially when Michael's family comes over, it doesn't feel like I am part of the family. I can't help but feel like I am this vessel used to birth the child and now my purpose is fulfilled and I should just get out of the way. I can't help but remember being in the hospital, about 16 hrs after my C-section surgery, severely sleep-deprived, weak, emotional, in loads of pain. having his family come over to see our baby girl for the first time. There was the hospital bed where I was recovering and the cot where Michael was sleeping, and they took the baby away from me and all gathered on the cot around Michael, taking turns to hold her. While it was a special moment for them to meet her for the first time, I just thought, why the heck is everyone on the cot in the corner as a family and I am on this hospital bed alone. No one asked me how I was, how I felt, how I was doing, what I just went through, my story. No one came close to me, gave me a hug, held my hand, not even a pat on the shoulder. No one even stood close to me. It literally felt I was just this vessel who gave birth to the child that now everyone else could enjoy. I will seriously never forget this moment and will make an honest effort to every new mom I know to ask them "how they are doing" because people will just forget about you. It's not their fault, it's just easy to forget when you're not the main attraction. But now going forward to every Sunday where we get visits from his family, when I am there, there is this radius around me. If I sit on the sofa, everyone gathers in the kitchen or the dining room. Now I try to make a point to go out on my own on Sundays just so that his family can be relaxed and spend time with Leana on their own, without having to run away from me. I'll just get out of the way.
On the weekdays when Mike comes home from work, it's a routine grind - make dinner, have dinner together, one person cleans everything while another does the whole bedtime routine with the baby. There's just so much that has to be done every day from 5PM to 8PM. When it's finally over, we just literally get ready for bed, play on our phones a bit and pass out. Michael and I have such little time to spend together as a family and no matter what, Saturday is our day to just be together, all three of us. Sundays his family comes over and it just takes up the whole day and before we even know it, it's time to put Leana to sleep and Mike has to go back to work. When it's the weekdays, it's me and Leana with each other all day. I wish I could share these moments more with Michael. I wish his family could at least come during the weekdays to spend time with her without eating up so much of our Sundays, but I understand they want to see Michael too and maybe they feel uncomfortable with just me. It's just hard on me to do it all during the week by myself and when it's the weekend, it feels like I am forced outside of my home and my family.
His mom posted a photo of a family all hugging each other saying "family is everything," and it makes me think, I am not part of this, am I? Even her profile photo is a family picture from my own wedding and I am not even in it. Every single post is about her family, her sons, her granddaughter. There are photos taken in my own home, in her own nursery, being read to by her uncle, talking about our nap routine. To me, these are deeply intimate moments and I don't need my parenting style showcased all over facebook for other Viet ladies to comment on.
The saving grace is that when it is just me and Leana, I feel like I am her mother and I am everything to her and more. She needs me. I am her world and her unconditional love makes me so fulfilled. I thank God for her. This is my family. This is where I feel at home.
