let's just say my first couple of days in Ottawa have been less than perfect and it's all because of these guys:

can i bare my heart, my soul to you just for a moment?

at this very moment, there is nothing more that i want than to stay here forever. i can bare a life of mediocrity, if it means i can stay at the only place i'll ever call home with the people that i love. i never have to find a husband and i may have many regrets,  but i think i will be happy. if i can just throw it all away and stay, i would because i don't think i am ready to leave. the time is right, the opportunity is right, but i am not right and i am clinging for my dear life here.

i am so scared because i am throwing myself into the deep end here. i am throwing myself into an unknown and i could either be very happy or i could end up miserable. it's scary enough that i've turned 25 and although i know i've accomplished so much, it feels like i've done nothing.

the difference between now and then when i left for korea is that i was younger. i spent my 1 year living an amazing adventure, knowing that i will be back and knowing that i would have time to set my life straight. now that it is straight, i yearn for more adventure but if i end up hating it, i would've wasted another two years of my life and i will be 27 with no money, no career and no family.

i was not petrified until today when the realization hit me like a rock. i am leaving and there's no going back now.

I've been watching Downton Abbey, a British period series which resolves around a manor and the lives of the rich and the poor who live in it.

I am so surprised this was getting so much critical acclaim, because I didn't think the public would be so receptive of a period show.

I love it and now I have another show to obsess about. I am a sucker for really good tales of romance and chivalry (not the cheap Notebook crap) and I can't help thinking why I was ever born in this decade. Then I think... if I was in Downton Abbey, I probably would've been one of the bitter maids, admiring the fancy lives of the upper class.

Anywho, this show is great but then again I am a girl with a love for period dramas. It is a quick witted show loosely about the disparity between the rich and the poor, with a huge cast of talented actors, storylines that are not cheesy, and a really powerful love story.

I am not going to lie, if I ever find a Matthew in my life, it will be complete. The higher precedence is set for all my future boyfriends.

Happy (Belated) Birthday To Me. it was a simple one, and a good one.

lovers came over for a 2 hr long "super scrabble" game (quadruple word scores!)

before iijai left, she gave me a personalized card holder. one day i will get a business card too...

p surprised me w/DELICIOUS Swirls cupcakes (good call on two red velvets!!!)

BLu sent me a bday card from Calgary packed full of awesome memories. i never cracked up so much!

candy made me a "lonely tree" for my new place. i always wanted something like this. how did she know?!!?! how thoughtful!

my closest friends are scattered across the globe. everyone has their own set of friends and significant others, their own lives and their own paths. i've been feeling a little lost and lonely for a while, but soon i will be going on my own path. it's good to know that no matter where people are in the world, the friendship lasts a lifetime. i've never been so greatful to have such caring friends as these. thank you.

all good things are coming.

i can't wait to tell you all about it when i get the chance

all i can say is all good things certainly come from God

as a naturally amiable person, i have troubles getting along with people and have always wondered why. i've always blamed it on my quirky, brash, not-for-everyone type of personality but today i am putting my foot down. maybe just some people are sucky, sucks of flesh and bone and i've compiled a list of what bothers me about them:




The Texting Paradox - when you make the time to spend with people, they are constantly texting, tweeting or making calls on their phone. however, whenever you text/tweet/call them, they never seem to reply or pick up. it makes it even more awkward when there's just two of you. i can write an entire entry on this and i will provide you numerous ridiculous situations where this has happened to me




Acting different around different people - if everyone treated everyone else the same way, wouldn't the world be a better place? it would, and it's not. some people think they are better than their friends and will drop them like a hat if there are people "more fun to chill with." when they hang out with you, they are constantly on their cellphones, anti-social, glum and just overall, depressing. when they're with these other people, they are suddenly life of the party! unfortunately, when their "cooler" friends are "too busy to chill," these people come running back and you are too good of a person to turn your back on them


Silent Treatment/Avoidance - when you are angry with someone, the last thing you want to do is talk to them, right? first off, many disagreements come about from miscommunication. it's not about pinning faults, just be completely honest and clear the air first. did they have any control over what happened? if not, why waste your energy being angry? think about it from their perspective and gain some understanding before you judge. if you have a legitimate reason for being angry at someone and you don't at one point confront it, then GROW UP. sure, time might heal all wounds but who's to say that there is no residual resentment that may build up over time? people need closure to move on.


Money, money, money ($$$) -  PAY THEM BACK ASAP. being a constant lender, it puts me in a very tight spot having to ask my friends for money. it makes me uncomfortable to ask, especially if people are going to get angry at me. if you can't pay yet, remind them that you owe them to let them know you haven't forgotten! it irks me when people stay mum or forget because it's their responsibility to uphold all their credit obligations.


Automatic "No's" - ever have friends you always invite out but always say, "No?" worst off, they say no without giving a decent explanation why. it's like, people are so jaded to even bother coming up with an excuse anymore. then when you don't invite them to something, they get upset. on the other end of it, don't get angry if people don't want to spend money to eat out all the time. food is an underrated yet large expense on most people's wallets these days and i'd rather spend $30 on a new pair of jeans than something that will only make me fatter than I already am




Common Courtesies - if someone gives you a ride, spots you or gets you a gift (whatever it is), say "Thank you" and receive it joyfully. do not expect it, do not complain about it, and be grateful for it.


Gift giving - if you are going to give someone a gift, please don't let it be regifted unless it's something they actually want. put some thought into it, just to show that you've thought about the person and made the deliberate action to get something they might like. most importantly, in the words of Jesus, "It is more blessed to give than to receive."


Rides - never expect someone will give you a ride if you don't ask for it first. and seriously, if someone is going to give you a ride, don't have them wait outside of your house before you start getting ready. take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast BEFORE they pick you up, especially if you are expecting your ride at a certain time. if they say they will be there in 5 minutes, why don't you put on your shoes and wait by the door?




i've dealt with a lot from a lot of people over the years, and it's these type of behaviours that really draws me away from them. be courteous to people around you, be slow to anger... it makes you a good friend and a better person.

today, i am anxious. it goes against every fibre of my being to be patient, but without patience, you cannot have faith. i have no choice but to wait upon the Lord.

father God this is what i pray to you: please let my friends and enemies see what a financial burden i am in right now. please let them see that there is no way out of this situation. it is 12 days to the date of the boat party, with 18 seats remaining amounting to $1,182. now please let them hear my prayer to you to lift this financial burden, to work your power and your miracles through me Lord. i am anxious, but faith in you calms me. whatever your intention is for me, i will wait upon you. thank you Jesus.

"In you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me."

- Psalm 25:3

 "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."

- Psalm 27: 14

the reality has set in.

i wont see these kids like i do on a normal basis ever again. every time i see them, they will have aged significantly and i won't be able to keep up with them anymore.

goodbye kids... i love you all so so much.

i want to take this moment, to thank you Lord.

there are many things that are huge stressors on my life right now. slowly, little by little, these stressors are being lifted away from me. all i have to do is listen to you and be patient. Lord, you will never give me something i cannot handle.

   


John Hancock Building - 2nd tallest building in Chicago but it's so stunning  The Magnificent Mile - Michigan Ave, a long strip of shops, gorgeous buildings and great view of the river Chicago River Chicago Architecture Foundation boat tour - very informative, the tour guide talked for the entire 90 minutes. The most stunning views of Chicago, you learn the intricacies of the architecture of every building you pass by Stunning buildings, each one unique and unlike the other. What a magnificent view to see Giordano's - trying Chicago's famous deep-dish pizza. Not a personal fave but I'm glad I tried Millenium Park - home of this object they nicknamed "the bean" (From L-R: Cathy, Pedro, Ken, Steph, me) the Chicago Theatre Chicago night. view of downtown Chicago's nightscape lit up The Purple Pig - upscale tapas-style midnight dinner



I had a dream that I planned out this huge bday for myself in a mansion and only a few people showed up. I frantically entertained them and then all of a sudden, hordes and hordes of people came (all at the very last minute.)

I woke up and thought, "This is a sign" and that things are going to be OK. Am I ok? No I am panicking but I was told to be patient and wait until the end of the week so that is what I'm doing. I will just sit and hope for the best #optimism