it's not that work is stressful, but it seems like it's eating so much of my time that by the time i get home, it stresses me out how i can't get everything i wanted to do, done.

this one's actual lyrics - it has a melody and everything.

The Thought

I used to think that I could see into your heart
When no one else would
And that I could be your saving grace
To rescue you from your self destruction
Then maybe you would love me

I might not be too sure
But I think I may be in love
With the thought of you
I hope you remember me
As the misguided girl
Who watched you walk away

But the thing is I soon realized it was wrong
To become attached so soon
And I didn't realize my grasp loosening so fast
As I fell more in love with
I think I'm in love with the thought of

You might not be too sure
But I think I may be in love
WIth the thought of you
You can stop reminding me
I'm the misguided girl
Who watched you walk away

Summer days
Summer days remind me of the boy I tried
To understand
You and I were fine
And where we crossed the line
I don't understand
You and I were fine
Or was all it in my mind
Was it all in my?

And I hope you remember
Me as that misguided girl
Who watched you walk away

i realized that with the demands of work and driver's classes and summer school, i have virtually no time to entertain myself on the internet whenever i do have free time (meaning, less blog entries). well i'm back, daily, for good. facebook is restricted on my internet at work, but they can't stop me from blogging.

i gave charis a present and told her something like... with her being Chinese and all, i thought giving her a box of tea would be nice. but trust me, it's the best tea - it tastes really good, especially for breakfast. she look concerned and shook the box and said disappointingly, "it really is tea!" she took off the wrapping and saw the box of breakfast tea and fakily smiled and said, "oh... thank you." funniest expression ever. she opened the box to see the tea for some reason and then started getting really excited and happy at what was inside, and me and cathy were just laughing our asses off because she actually thought i got her a box of tea.

i'm like, "why would i get you a box of tea?"
charis said, "you're weird like that!"

happy birthday charis!

DS LITE! now i have to wait for my R4 + microSD to actually play games

i can see myself not getting stressed out and pissed off about anything or anyone. i also have the added perk of feeling like I'm Pam and that i'm actually in The Office. today i used a shredder and it reminded me of Kevin.



i came home to find a Laurier invoice for summer school and it makes me want to shrivel up and die. it's like every day i work is equivalent to digging myself a centimetre out from my grave of debt.

where is charis these days?

i guess it's easier to continually pick on those who don't fight back.

today i had to take care of Marcus by myself for a couple of hours and had the horrifying experience of changing my first diaper.

after 52 hours of gaming, i also cleared Tales of Phantasia. Chrono Trigger is next



another fun lesson of driving school tonight. first day of work friday. vitor's saturday. i'm also hoping to fit distance ed, casual reading, at least one trip to the movies, demetres, and a game of tennis into this week.

thank god we didn't have another family dinner outing, although i joked with my parents that i'd take them out for congee. we did, although, go out AGAIN last night to "nice to meet you" and saw justin on his way out. there was x3 more food for/3 of the price compared to The Keg.

today i went to walmart and bought this ginormous pack of pop karaoke songs and spent 3 1/2 hours singing them all for my mom. it was a good day, pictures soon.

too much to be said

but i can proudly say i crossed a lot of stuff off my "to do" list
and not just the short term goals either

but let's not talk about me.

every year my mom gets a bouquet of flowers from my brothers. she tells them they're pretty but she tells me that they just die so what's the point and what a waste of money. i think she's going to like what i'm getting her. pictures tomorrow.

my youngest brother announced his engagement last night at the first (of three) mother's day dinners. i'm happy but really, it's not affecting me at all. there's no difference, except more nieces and nephews i'm never going to see.

i don't consider my youngest and older brothers family. what kind of sons always puts their birth mother second to their mother-in-law? moreso my oldest brother who basically went running out the door the second he had another family and scoffed at us as if he were ashamed. this is the same brother who, in his speech about families at his wedding, mentioned everyone's name (including his new brother-in-laws) but forgot about me. that was emotionally scarring and publicly humiliating, but this is old news - moving on.

if a dinner is for my mom, how come the two couples were at the other end of the table talking to each other as if me, my mom and dad did not exist. it was like two separate dinners.

i wish lillian would go away so my middle brother can join team "family" instead of team "traitors." he actually is on team family because my other brothers won't let him join since everyone hates lillian (except thanh - she loves everybody).

anyway. now we have to go to another dinner tonight because tony was working last night and an optional third dinner (hopefully just my parents and tony) because quang and billy are celebrating with their mother-in-laws on sunday and it's not fair for my mom to be placed second all the time on actual "mother's day," because she is NUMBER ONE for me no matter what. so respect your mother, love her, be there for her, and don't be a pain in the ass child who is not grateful for shit.

you never learn.

i believe that i deserve everything that happens to me.

for instance, i study hard and get awesome marks.

i slack off in school, i get kicked out of my program.

i sleep in for an important exam, and am allowed to write a deferral in june.

i gloat about a new job, and it ends up being Vector Marketing Ltd.

i sneak out the car the night before my interview to watch spider-man, and i end up not getting the job. (no more car for me, YOU TOO)

i spend a day crying and feeling worthless, i get another interview.

you give people chances, and they walk all over you.

i'm late for the library, so i catch every bus i take just at the knick of time.

i help charis overcome her fear of bikes, and i find my water bottle

you give some consideration to one of your closest friends, and she says "you know what, you make me really happy"

more on this later.

i think the reason i'm not good at sports is because i never have the opportunity to play them. i never took gym beyond grade nine, i don't have a fellowship where i can participate in baseball leagues against other churches, and none of my friends like to play anything. except tennis, but i don't really seem to be getting any better at that sport after six years.

i know that if i try to convince people to play baseball or volleyball with me, no one will come, but i'm going to try it again anyway because i would really like to excel at something and get some exercise outside while engaging in fierce competition (i love it!). i really do not want to work out inside a gym and look at a television screen or out the window wishing i was outside playing and having fun instead of running on a piece of machinery. please people, play with me!

I smile and pretend everything is OK so that I could tolerate your bullshit and not make a scene. Beneath the smiles is the sadness of betrayal, masked with anger, waiting for it to all pass and me to be OK - but then you go ahead and you push more buttons and the problem is you don't know where to stop.

So have her. The girl who always feels guilty about the stupid actions she makes because she never thinks about consequences. I always stood up for you, but this time, you are not forgiven. You deserve your guilt

And have him. The boy who never learns, who had a chance to run but always comes back for more. I actually cared about you, I was always there for you. You were never there for me in return, so I am not going to be there this time when she uses and discards you again

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL MY FRIENDS BUT YOU HURT ME AND YOU LEFT ME OUT AND YOU DISCARDED ME, AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR ALL OF YOU. I NEVER LEFT ANYONE OUT, AND ON PURPOSE, OF ALL THINGS. SO YOU CAN ALL LIVE IN YOUR TWISTED FUCKED UP WORLD OF MANIPULATION AND BACKSTABBING, BUT I WON'T BE A PART OF IT ANYMORE.

so eat shit for all i care.

CANCER

You are torn between work and play today, and finding balance between the two can be difficult. On one hand, you are quite optimistic about fulfilling your obligations and taking care of business, even if it's just doing chores around the home. On the other hand, potential pleasures lure you into social realms and you don't want to turn down an invitation from your friends. Avoid making an either/or decision; instead, choose both.

Today I turned down 2 1/2 invites and stayed home to make nutella banana muffins and clean the house. It looks really weird but tastes alright. Last night, I turned down 3 invites and went last minute go-karting with my lover and my lover's lover.

To lover's lover: get this weird Shao Yang dude to leave me alone.

People who've talked to me about Spider-Man 3 have had nothing but good things to say about the movie. I admit, it was ALRIGHT. I've waited til now to talk about it so that the majority of people would've had a chance to watch it by now. But this, my very limited remaining friends, is a comphrensive number of reasons why Spider-Man 3 disappointed me (SPOILER WARNING).

• Bad acting. They're all fairly talented actors in their own respect, given the right roles, but this time, they just all over acted - BIG time. If you know me, you know that I used to worship Tobey Maguire back in the early highschool days, so there's very little chance of me ever criticising his acting - but he STUNK up the movie. I guess this ties in with bad casting and the fact that he is an old man, making him an unbelievable Spider-Man. Spider-Man is supposed to be a confident, wise cracking, good-looking sort of guy. Some may say that that is just not how Tobey is, but this is the very essence of acting. It's to play a part beyond your comfort level and try to become someone you're not. It just seemed as if he tried too hard. And oh my god, when Harry dies in the end - THE QUIVERING AND THE TEARS from Tobey and Kirsten - HORRIBLE, HORRIBLY ACTED! Oh god, the quivering...
• Horrible dialogue. This is even worse than the acting. During the movie, I shouted "who the fuck wrote this?!" In particular, the dialogue between MJ and Pete when she was "breaking up" with him on the bridge. Too soap-operaish, much
• Unfunny, childish, outrageous, embarassing, hard-to-watch awkward scenes. When Peter gets the black suit and he starts walking like a gay-ass (it was bad enough in the second movie, but still tolerable and even cute. This time, I wished and wished for the madness to end) and starts dancing everywhere and everyone thinks he's a creep, because he's acting like a real creeper. At least try to make the guy look a little cool, he's Spider-Man for god sakes. Oh god, the jazz bar where he's going nutso and flying everywhere like a freakazoid was adding insult to injury
• Gwen Stacy's existence. There was a lot of talk about her in the first Spider-Man and Sam Raimi, the director, specifically mentioned that he was not going to introduce her character. Then all of a sudden, they introduce her in the THIRD one, AFTER Mary Jane. If you know Spider-Man history, Gwen Stacy is supposed to be Peter Parker's first love. She's the perfect girl for him but then Green Goblin throws her off the bridge, and Spider-Man shoots out his web in attempt to save her. When he recovers her, he realizes that she's dead and he has to live with the question of whether or not it was him who was the cause of her death. How is she going to die now? Pretty powerful stuff, could have been awesome. But Spider-Man 3 fucked up the beautiful story of Gwen Stacy. And why the hell was she at Harry's funeral?
• MJ bitching about how it was "her kiss" - but she didn't even know it was Peter Parker back then and wasn't she with Harry when she kissed Spider-Man in the rain?
• Peter Parker becoming overwhelmed with fandom and acting gay-ass
• Little scrawny Eric from That 70's Show as the infamous Eddie Brock, aka Venom. Eddie Brock is supposed to be a macho looking guy, not a scrawny little kid. I had no problem with Topher Grace and his acting, but he was just miscast. I mean, I could even see Topher Grace as a good Peter Parker because he can pull of that kind of humour Peter has convincingly. But in the movie, there were parts where Venom talked and you could hear Topher's prebuscent girly voice, and it was so inappropriate for Venom - the disputed greatest villain of all time
• Mary Jane Watson's character. This is actually not Spider-Man 3's fault, it all stemmed from the first movie. We all know that Kirsten Dunst is used to playing goody-two-shoes characters, but like I said, acting is supposed to be when people act out of character. MJ is supposed to be spunky, hot, wild and vivacious, not the sweet girl-next-door type. And in the entire movie, she did not once say "tiger!" (Peter did, though: "Go get em, tiger?")
• Harry Osborne all of a sudden turns good? They've been building up his hatred and anger for three movies, after all the animosity between him and Peter, the evil should have completely poisoned him by now by comic standards. But all of a sudden, his irrelevant butler or whatever, Bernard, tells him that "over the years, I've seen things" and can all of a sudden vouch for Peter Parker.
• The ending. I liked the actual scene, I thought it was very sweet. But it should not have been the ending - it left me feeling completely dissatisfied. I know it's supposed to be a foreshadow of potential future sequels, but it should have at least put a wrap on things and left some sort of thrilling cliffhanger. Like show the symbiote creeping up or something...

Things I liked.

• The action. All of the action bits were perfect, completely enrapturing and full of energy. I loved the choreography (as always) of Spider-Man swinging through the streets, the acrobatics were smooth and flawless. I actually did like the tag-team, although a lot of people didn't. It looked fun and entertaining, even though Sandman's existence was not important and you could swear by the end of the battle everyone forgot about him and that's why he wanted to turn good - you know, for attention. And my favourite part was when Peter was going all psycho on Harry and he took his bomb and threw it in his face! But I seriously thought Harry died then, I actually would have preferred that
• The tension between Mary-Jane and Peter Parker. They got angry at each other a lot but it was believable how lonely MJ was feeling and it was believable how Peter was getting angry at the world. I like them better apart
• The supporting characters. J. Jonah Jameson. All of his scenes were perfectly hilarious! J.K. Simmons plays that role perfectly, no complaints at all. Incorporation of Dr. Connors aka future Lizard aka Spiderman's next villain is brilliant too, nicely written into the script.

So in the end, I did chose both

if there's one thing i have to admit about myself, it's the fact that i hate people. a lot of people. few, 1) because i'm jealous, some, 2) because they hurt me, or most, 3) because i don't like the way they are. the way some people think, or what they say or do can really piss me off - so instead of effortlessly trying to defend my views, i will simply state that i am a hater.

i do not want to surround myself with people who fall into one of those three categories because around them, i become a bitter, angry, depressed person. i lie to myself by wearing fake smiles and tolerating the condescending things that they say, and pretend as if everything was alright while they push away at my buttons.

well now, no one has to push anything, because i simply won't be there. i don't think i'm better than anyone, it's not an ego thing. i just think that certain people are better off without me in their lives and vice versa. find a new floormat.

if i had to describe my life right now through a song, it'd be "something's missing" by john mayer

this past week has certainly been eventful, sort of emotional roller coaster tangled with ups and downs. but for every down, every up was very much worth it. i'm trying my best to keep my life on track and i don't think of any day as a particular waste, which is my goal - but something's not quite right.

whatever

kids, let auntie marilyn enlighten you with some useful knowledge on something known as "multi-level marketing" (MLM). what is it? these are companies who recruit individual contractors (but for truth's sakes, regular naive people like you and me) to sell products to those who refer to more customers to sell products to, who refer to more customers to sell products to, who refer to more customers to sell products to, etcetera. they market their business almost as much as they market their product and tempt the innocent with attractive, albeit deceptive, incentives. as a salesperson, you find yourself investing time and energy, destroying ties with family members and friends, and sacrificing money from your own pocket trying to sell this product that you convinced yourself will pay off in the end. the only one who benefits is the profiteering management sitting atop this inconspicious pyramid scheme.

does it still sound tempting?

enter Vector Marketing.
the ad sounds nice, so what's it about? no one really knows in the beginning. sounds kind of desperate, having to call to schedule an interview for the next day (one day AFTER you applied no less), sending an e-mail as well as confirming your interview time an hour before. sounds like they really want you to show up. all we know is that they are recruiting university students for customer and sales of houseware items, and no matter what question you ask them, the reply is, "more information will be provided during the interview." well how can i prepare for the interview if i don't fucking know what i'm interviewing for?

so the geniuses lure you in for the interview, but it's not what you expected: it's a room full of potential candidates - and they're all university students. the interview begins here and is a long and painful process. there is an initial screening where two candidates are interviewed at once and asked one or two fairly typical questions and then sent back to that stuffy room packed with helpless, but energetic, hopefuls. the granddaddy, aka the regional manager, aka the Devil stands before you and gives you a 2 1/2 hour long presentation on Cutco knives, almost in an infomercial-like way, asking the audience (note: we are no longer interview candidates, we are now an audience) rhetorical questions and leaving them with shock and amazement at the wonders that is stainless steel cutlery. then he proceeds to sell Vector Marketing as a feasible business that provides opportunities for us "independent contractors" to sell these cutting marvels to customers (who magically flock to you, almost BEGGING you to sell them Cutco knives) and make a base rate pay of $14.75 per appointment.

yum, what else do they tell you?

• this is not telemarketing, or selling door-to-door. the customers come to you! you make appointments with them and you set up an appropriate time to go to their house
• you must pay $99 for the set to demonstrate presentations, or you may rent it but you must put down a deposit. don't worry though, you get your full refund! and the deposit is only "just incase" something happens to the set
• $14.75 per appointment is the base rate VERSUS incentive pay based on sales that accumulates (meaning increased $$$ every week you work there). even if you don't make any sales, your base rate is guaranteed
• they focus on recruiting students because they are flexible, and are adaptable to the classroom setting which makes them quick learners
• how can you afford to pay so much to employees? because they focus their advertising through word of mouth (which they find more reliant) as opposed to media advertising
• if the product is so great, why not sell in a retail environment? because the products are of exceptional quality and are expensive, normal consumers would gear towards buying the less expensive product not knowing about the exceptional quality Cutco has to offer. by demonstrating its exceptional quality through one-on-one presentations, consumers will be more willing to purchase these knives of exceptional quality
• they offer scholarships

HALT. let's get our head out of our asses for a moment, please.
here's le truth.

• if this sounds too good to be true, that's because it is. throughout the entire interview, you can't help but think that everything sounds and feels a bit fishy. i mean, a 2 1/2 hour interview in which the Devil (uh, I mean, Mr. Moawad, they call him) is selling you the business and selling you the product before the second round of interviews? not to mention, the room they take you into is flourished in all of these trophies and plaques - that's smart, i should surround my bedroom with trophies and plaques that probably don't even belong to me, maybe people would think i'm awesome too
• gearing an entire sales department towards a young group of innocent, yet relatively inexperienced university students (just struggling to earn an honest buck in the summer)?
• before you start making presentations to customers, there is a "presentation practice" process in which you practice selling in front of your relatives or closest friends. this is not a practice but a mere tactic to garner sympathy from family members to purchase the knives in hopes of seeing you succeed. you are then expected to contact other relatives to sell to, and are not even given any leads in contacting other customers to sell to
• you are expected to purchase the damn knives yourself at a "discount" and end up losing more money on your own behalf, having to find own methods of transportation to customer homes and attending mandatory sales conferences. there are accounts of pay cheques lost in the mail as well as deposits not being returned
• if you are making so much, why the hell is your office located in this shady place on the second floor of Masamune Japanese Restaurant on dixie and 401?
• 8 hours/day, 3 days of unpaid training. i'd rather stab myself with a knife than waste that much unpaid time learning about them (note: all these hours wasted on training is just to pressure you into going further with the scheme. think about it, who would want all of that time to go to waste?)
• the base rate is paid for the first two weeks. from then on, it's all incetive-pay... so technically it IS commission based. and they spent so much time telling us it's not
• if it's not telemarketing, why do you have to spend so much of your unpaid time on the phone trying to find and schedule appointments with random customers. if it's not door-to-door, why do you have to go to their damn houses and spend an hour trying to sell them crap
• yeah they give scholarships. they pay them out in free knives!

one thing that's not a lie, though, is that these knives are actually quality knives manufactured by Cutco. extremely overpriced though. i mean come on, they're just kitchen knives, not a freaking rolls royce.

i was there for the 2 1/2 hour long interview amist about twenty other university students who seemed smart and competent. i took the interview seriously, as any normal person would i suppose, and was rewarded the job in the end which made me feel good, confident. i had a level of doubt which friends exacerbated by increasing my level of doubt to the point where i had to find out the truth. i feel pretty stupid for being suckered into the interview and momentarily buying into the whole process, although maintaining some form of skepticsm. thank you: charis, priscilla, vanessa, and the internet for helping me find valuable websites by googling "vector cutco scam" and learning way too much beyond my comfort level about Vector's fradulent behaviour. i wasted 2 1/2 hours of my time, and my dad's time - but i'm glad that's all i wasted.

in any case, i quit.

with all this useless information, i could definitely succeed in sales and perhaps overthrow the top management of Vector Marketing and reap the profits like a money-mongering expoiter at the hands of naive students - but instead, i would rather exploit this shady, deceiving, misleading, corrupt organization for what it is. an MLM scheme, folks.

and just a word of advice for you, Mr. Moawad. the only way my mommy would buy this Cutco knife is for the satisfaction of sticking it up your ass.

mess with marilyn, and expect a comprehensive ranting essay.