whenever i'm stressed, i tend to have the urge to cut my bangs. and everytime that happens, the outcome is not very favorable to me. in fact, the outcome always deems to be horrendous - as people have seen in the past. and i always promise myself never to do it again. but i did it again, and it turned out horrendous again. so i had to try on a variety of hairclips to patch up my horrendous mistake, at least for the next couple of weeks while my bangs grow back out... and there seemed to be no good fix up, which got me super frustrated.

so in trying to put back my stuff, i end up chipping a piece of my favourite piggy bank's ear, which exacerbated my frustration. and i looked on the ground and realized i just stepped on my headband.





only to see my pretty picture frame two inches away with the glass cracked and be reminded that on move-in day, i accidentally crushed it with my hand.




and then i realized i am just a clumsy fool.

• "let's go play!"/"come over and we'll play, okay?" - play, as in, hang out and nothing dirty
• "your face is ____" - random
• "that is so awesome!" - often referring to certain games, or spider-man
• "holy __," often ass, but never cow
• "go suck my balls" - even when i don't have any
• you "whore"/"beyotch" - terms of endearment, i swear. applying to both genders
• "i'm bleeding out of my ass" - menstruation
• "it'll take me like a billion years" - often using billion years as a time overexaggeration
• "cry me a niagara falls" - because a river is not enough
• "you're gay" because you are

masochism (ms-kzm) n.
1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.
2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.
3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.
4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

let me make mistakes.

ten years and i still Y sailor moon

clubbing, it's not my thing. i had really good times but it's just the overall atmosphere that doesn't do it for me. the strobe lights, alcohol, half naked bodies, dirty dancing, very open strangers. everyone in their little sexy bodies rubbing against each other, it's disgusting - no one dances to have fun anymore. every guy you walk right by eyefucks you and it leaves you feeling so insecure so you poison yourself with alcohol just to feel comfortable. why do that to yourself?

what sounds inviting to me is a night at home in my PJs watching television and munching on popcorn. guests welcome if you want, there won't be any alcohol though.

even uninstalling msn messenger, there are various additional methods to waste precious time:

• Kudos. highly addictive life simulation game
  http://get.games.yahoo.com/proddesc?gamekey=kudos
• facebook. but that's not too time consuming as no one really writes on my wall

and drawing. it all started with me sketching one character (as i normally do when taking a "break" from studying). as exciting as the quantity theory sounded, i'd rather continue procrastinating so i started drawing a rough sketch of anime-ish people.

then i looked at the clock and realized i needed to start studying so i'll finish it off later. but it kind of pisses me off now that i didn't use blank paper to begin with.

btw, don't ask me who these characters are, i will not tell you so (c), bitches.

and sadly, not even for me - just to have some place to eat, to hang out and waste time, to crash at for the night. i can't study when i'm constantly being wecloming, hospitable and entertaining guests. don't get me wrong, i like the company, but it kinda bites the ass when your friends are just there for your place and not you. and did i mention, ALL THE TIME?!

sometimes i wish i didn't pick up my phone


p.s. if anyone's wondering, i uninstalled MSN messenger.

lately for me, it's been exactly like this:

FRIENDS > SCHOOL
+ massive money spending + walking/bussing + eating out way too much + late night crashes
= an overweight, tired, scatterbrained, broke, ignored, failing, soon-to-be university dropout

i can't be the only one making sacrifices. i can't be this shoulder for everyone to lean on all the time.

i can't bake a cake for those who are unwilling to bake a cake for me.

...because it's been stepped on way too fucking much.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=G3Ac3Pc8etA
nada surf - inside of love.

someone please propose to me with this song.

for ineffable idiots who have not yet seen this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPELqrCIZQ8

and a recent development, and you heard it here first... the official "arabguy" withdrawal.
that's right, the post-it notes have been pried off the wall. no more giddiness and unhealthy obsessing. no more overanalysis of insignificant events, encounters, and conversations. no more attendance of unnecessary stats lectures. i will now just be quiet-boring-girl-who-could-possibly-be-pseudo-mysterious-sitting-alone-in-lectures-making-stupid-jokes-for-attention... but heck, that beats the alternative.

let us compare my only two clubbing experiences.

1. fubar. predominantly caucasians who cannot dance but have big egos
2. fedhall. asian nerds with thick black rimmed glasses and over-gelled hair with no ego whatsoever

you get too much action in one, and not enough in the other. so this is my justification for pulling away a random dude from the crowd at CUBE and innocently dancing with him (note: not grinding (double note: NOT grinding)), to which he wound up to be a really nice guy. another justification, i'm insecure and i had to make myself feel hot and this was the only way, so suck on it.

p.s. no more internet in mississauga is teh sux0r

It may be difficult to express what's in your heart now, but not because you don't have the right words. Your emotions are so intense these days that you worry about scaring away someone special. Still, it's impossible to hide behind the wall that usually works so well for you. Don't be too concerned if others don't outwardly respond to your feelings just yet. Time is on your side.

so i bought white icing and when it came time for me to actually use it, i realized i had to buy the decorating tip (which i obviously had not), so i was like, screw that, i don't need no tip - i'll just squeeze from the bottle. uhm yeah, that didn't turn out that well because i realized i couldn't even write her name because it'd just come out in big blobs. so i walked to hasty but they didn't have icing, so i'm like, i'll go to conestoga, but then the bus drove past me just as i was leaving hasty, so i walked to 7/11 to no avail, so i took the bus downtown to the shopper's plaza to buy that damn icing with the tips, and i spent like a billion years putting the damn stars on the cake. i did it all just because i felt bad and i didn't want an uggy cake because jaclyn would just criticise it and i wanted it so bad to be nice so you BETTER like it, beyotch. here's the finished product:

these are my spawnings. first is my ferrari horse but i call it "horsey" and next is sephiroth who looks like a transvestite. that was accidental, i swear.

after tomorrow, i would have baked a record three cakes in a span of five weeks. when it comes my birthday, i better get one cake EACH from everybody. marble, thank you.

i am a geek who is not smart. does that even make sense? i've been trying to look at where i stand in comparison to the rest of the world, and it's difficult to place me somewhere and say, "that is where she belongs" or "that is who she is." there are times where i feel wanted, boisterous, pretty, and there are equally amount of times where i feel alone, insecure, hideous. i feel like i should be this smart person - but i am not studious or motivated to work hard. i'm kind of all over the map. i just want someone from the outside to tell me where i stand in the world. am i that quiet boring girl who sits alone in lectures? am i creepy stalker girl or am i pseudo-mysterious hot girl? am i that loud and goofy girl who makes stupid jokes for attention?

since when did i become all of these things that i never was and never wanted to be.