Has so much time passed by since I last wrote? Leana is 7 months now, I must be doing a great job documenting my mat leave experiences!

Winter is officially upon us in Ottawa. Who wants to spend all that time and effort to bundle up yourself, bundle up the baby, drag the car seat around, unbundle your baby, unbundle yourself, go to a 30 minute playgroup only to rinse and repeat the whole process and rush to go home for baby's next nap? It's exhausting but as a result, I am feeling a bit trapped at home lately. I usually don't mind it but since the baby has been eating solids 3 times a day, we've fallen into this routine where it feels like all I do is constantly cleaning up after her meals.

During the weekdays, I like to switch things up a bit and do things for me. It makes my feel like my own person vs this entity that exists for the sole purpose of taking care of this child. It is easy to lose your identity and become this "ideal" mom who does everything the "right" way, and who coddles their children. They want only the best for their children - the best clothes, the best car seat, the best stroller, the best toys, the best education, the best experiences and all of them captured in the best photos. It is seriously exhausting (and pricy!). We grew up without all of this stuff and we turned out all right. If the only thing I get to impart to my baby as she grows up is to "be kind to others," then I'll say I've done my job.

Back to the topic of identity though, it does feel like I am just this entity sometimes. Especially when Michael's family comes over, it doesn't feel like I am part of the family. I can't help but feel like I am this vessel used to birth the child and now my purpose is fulfilled and I should just get out of the way. I can't help but remember being in the hospital, about 16 hrs after my C-section surgery, severely sleep-deprived, weak, emotional, in loads of pain. having his family come over to see our baby girl for the first time. There was the hospital bed where I was recovering and the cot where Michael was sleeping, and they took the baby away from me and all gathered on the cot around Michael, taking turns to hold her. While it was a special moment for them to meet her for the first time, I just thought, why the heck is everyone on the cot in the corner as a family and I am on this hospital bed alone. No one asked me how I was, how I felt, how I was doing, what I just went through, my story. No one came close to me, gave me a hug, held my hand, not even a pat on the shoulder. No one even stood close to me. It literally felt I was just this vessel who gave birth to the child that now everyone else could enjoy. I will seriously never forget this moment and will make an honest effort to every new mom I know to ask them "how they are doing" because people will just forget about you. It's not their fault, it's just easy to forget when you're not the main attraction. But now going forward to every Sunday where we get visits from his family, when I am there, there is this radius around me. If I sit on the sofa, everyone gathers in the kitchen or the dining room. Now I try to make a point to go out on my own on Sundays just so that his family can be relaxed and spend time with Leana on their own, without having to run away from me. I'll just get out of the way.

On the weekdays when Mike comes home from work, it's a routine grind - make dinner, have dinner together, one person cleans everything while another does the whole bedtime routine with the baby. There's just so much that has to be done every day from 5PM to 8PM. When it's finally over, we just literally get ready for bed, play on our phones a bit and pass out. Michael and I have such little time to spend together as a family and no matter what, Saturday is our day to just be together, all three of us. Sundays his family comes over and it just takes up the whole day and before we even know it, it's time to put Leana to sleep and Mike has to go back to work. When it's the weekdays, it's me and Leana with each other all day. I wish I could share these moments more with Michael. I wish his family could at least come during the weekdays to spend time with her without eating up so much of our Sundays, but I understand they want to see Michael too and maybe they feel uncomfortable with just me. It's just hard on me to do it all during the week by myself and when it's the weekend, it feels like I am forced outside of my home and my family.

His mom posted a photo of a family all hugging each other saying "family is everything," and it makes me think, I am not part of this, am I? Even her profile photo is a family picture from my own wedding and I am not even in it. Every single post is about her family, her sons, her granddaughter. There are photos taken in my own home, in her own nursery, being read to by her uncle, talking about our nap routine. To me, these are deeply intimate moments and I don't need my parenting style showcased all over facebook for other Viet ladies to comment on.

The saving grace is that when it is just me and Leana, I feel like I am her mother and I am everything to her and more. She needs me. I am her world and her unconditional love makes me so fulfilled. I thank God for her. This is my family. This is where I feel at home.

So for about two weeks since Leana turned 4 months, we've been implementing sleep training and it hasn't been going as successfully as I expected.

For bedtime, we do a whole routine: music, bath, feeding, story, snuggles and then put her down awake in her crib and say the words, "Leana, it's bed time. Your mommy and daddy love you very much. Go to sleep sweetheart" and then leave. If she starts crying, we set the timer for 5 minutes and come back and without touching or picking her up, we say the script again. We repeat until she falls asleep or until 30 minutes has passed. This is supposed to teach her to fall asleep independently so that when she inevitably wakes up in the middle of the night due to teething or sleep regression, that she has the skills to successfully put herself to sleep without any intervention.

Night time has not been a problem, she usually won't cry for more than 5/10 minutes, but nap times have been a nightmare for me. Most of the time she will cry and whine for 30 minutes and it's so heart breaking to just sit and watch the screen and not be able to do anything. Then after all that time, she only naps for 30 minutes. The level of effort seems hardly worth it sometimes.

Maybe the trouble is that we haven't been able to do this consistently either because every day is different and some days we have to go out and you know, live life. And then there's timing. You're constantly watching the clock, trying to make sure her awake time is between 1-2 hours and that she's going down for her naps at the exact "sweet spot" (not too tired, not tired enough but JUUUUSST right) by obsessing over these supposed "tired" cues your baby is supposed to give you.

All that to say, day times have been incredibly difficult and exhausting. There has never been a day that goes by where I thought to myself, "Wow, I'm doing a great job." I worry too much that I am just screwing everything up. I look at other mothers and they just look so damn natural. How can you not compare? Ah well, I take solace in the fact that my daughter is well fed, sleeps through the night like a champ, and has a stellar dad who can make her laugh.

Yesterday we celebrated my birthday at Le Nordik spa and I think we can both say it was a much-needed celebration for us. For a Monday, it was fairly busy but comfortable enough to occupy your own secluded space away from others. It's been a couple of years since we visited and the last time was in the dead of winter in -40 degree weather, so it was nice to experience this on such a beautiful, sunny day.

They added a new section with a nice lounge, additional pools and a terrace where they serve food and drinks. We relaxed in the silent area on an outdoor swinging bed under a huge canopy and the ambiance was so relaxing - it really felt like we were in the Nordiks. As I rested, I couldn't help but wish our daughter was there sleeping with us. Maybe I can take her on a mother-daughters spa day when she turns 12. It was a peaceful day and we definitely left well-rested, although I still choose some adventure over lying around in the sun and doing nothing all day.

Mike got me a cake from The Girl With the Most Cake and it was by far the most beautiful cake I've ever gotten. Way prettier than my own wedding cake. Also way more expensive than any cake I've ever gotten. She must be a master at getting buttercream icing to be so smooth because she doesn't use fondant at all. Everything on the cake except for the M was edible. Inside was a dulce de leche filling. The cake itself had a fantastic taste but the cake itself was a bit dry so it was only optimal to eat the first day. I refused to cut it because it was too beautiful.


He got me a (better quality) ukulele for my birthday present that I am completely in love with. Not sure how I will find time to play it but hopefully I get some downtime in my mat leave to at least practice!

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Charis gave me an Instant Pot and after using it to make congee today, I am completely infatuated with it. I used this recipe from Amy + Jacky and substituted with bone-in chicken thighs and added some chicken bouillon for extra flavor. I washed some rice, added ginger, raw chicken thighs (blanched first in cold water), water, chicken bouillon, set for 30 minutes and left to take care of my baby. When I came back, I put it on saute to cook until it was thicker, added salt and pepper et voila! - delicious and virtually effortless congee. Next, going to sterilize my baby bottles and pump equipment with my Instant Pot!

Sometimes it's hard to keep up with this blog because I go through a myriad of emotions in any given day. I tend to start a draft I won't get to finish, and then I'll go through something completely different the next hour that I'll want to write about. It just goes to show that motherhood (and life) is a constantly changing landscape and you just have to hold on for the ride. And try not to let go.

So, didn't know this would be a thing, but baby loves daddy and (seemingly) hates mommy now. Before you laugh this off, imagine you spending all your waking moments taking care of this baby with your blood, sweat and tears. And you try for hours to play with your baby and elicit a smile, a laugh, a coo, anything, and she doesn't and you just think maybe she's been tired all day. Then daddy comes home and he looks at her for a moment, then she smiles. Another moment, a laugh. The next you know it, they're both talking up a storm with one another. What?! Surely it's a coincidence. So after she smiles, we turn her towards me, and she furrows her brow, frowns and looks down. We turn her to daddy, face lights up, huge smile and a laugh. We repeat this exercise 10 times with no change in results. We switch sides. No change. We repeat this at multiple times of the day in different locations. No change. She always smiles at daddy and she gives a big metaphorical middle finger to mommy. What?! Is this seriously a thing?

I have enough issues to deal with but now my worst nightmare is coming true. Babies have never liked me (see: all my friend's babies) and they have always liked Michael (see: all my friend's babies). Is it my RBF? Do they sense my fear of them? Do I try too hard? But with my own baby, I never would have imagined she would show such blatant favoritism.

I first noticed it when I went home for the weekend. She was smiling and laughing off a storm with every new face she saw - grandma, grandpa, auntie, uncle, Vanessa, Brian, especially daddy... it came off so naturally, but... where were my smiles? I used to get some smiles and laughs here and there but what happened all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? Is she tired of my face? Can she tell I'm severely sleep deprived? Am I depressed and my baby senses it? Does my baby not think I'm her mother? Am I just a strange lady always hanging around where she's not wanted?

No matter what I did, I could not elicit one smile. I hope this phase passes because it's not fun for me to watch my baby look depressed at me but when she turns to daddy, it's instantly party time. When I tell this to people, I say it as a joke but this hurts me to my core. I just want so hard not to suck at this, but I can't even get my own baby to like me. How crappy is this?

The one solace I get from the internet is hearing other mums (to quote one mum "I honestly feel like climbing out my window and jumping") and feeling that you're not alone in this.

I think I'm having a mental breakdown. This is so fucking hard. You have your good days and then you just have your miserable, piece of shit days where you honestly feel like everything is going wrong and you just want to run away. This is just so tough. Her waking up constantly through the night. Her refusing to nap more than 30 minutes at a time. Her throwing tantrums when I try to breastfeed her. Having to pump 8 times a day. Having to clean pumping equipment 8 times a day.  Trying to teach her good habits and nothing working. Her fussiness about every damn thing. Her constant crying. Having to do squats all day just to not have her cry. All this while severely sleep and energy deprived. Having to repeat this every. single. day. Feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am so tired. There is no positive thinking here. There is no "this will get better." This is just, I am tired and I feel really alone and isolated.

I need help but I hate asking for it. Especially from kind friends and acquaintances of mine. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak. I don't want people seeing me this low. I hate feeling like I'm a crappy mother that can't even take care of her own child. I don't want to feel like I "owe" anyone anything. I don't want to feel obligated to be grateful to others for doing this for me. But I do need help. Maybe I'll go home...

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We were afraid that by waking her up from her deep sleep, she wouldn't fall back asleep. Lately her wake up schedules have been 2:30AM, 4AM and 5:30AM and every 5 minutes after that until 6AM, and then finally again for her official wakeup at 7AM. Let's just say it has been frigging exhausting.

She fell asleep around 10:30PM last night and put her down when we got home from fireworks. Mike and I made a plan where he gets all the wake-ups before 5:30AM and I get everything after 5:30AM. But something magical happened. SHE SLEPT ALL THE WAY TIL 6AM. Mike woke up naturally (btw we thought waking up naturally was something that went extinct once our baby was born) and woke me up somewhat frantically not knowing what to do. Was our baby okay? Was she breathing?  Did this just happen? Did God bless us with some sleep?

The night before, we read this sleep website and apparently the #1 reason for babies waking up early (early meaning between 4AM and 6AM) was due to sun light creeping in. We bought temporary black out blinds from Ikea and hung them loosely and thought that was enough to do the trick but apparently if you can see your hand in front of your face, it wasn't dark enough. So I told Mike to seal the windows with duct tape to make sure absolutely no sun would trickle in and it seemed to do the trick. Every day is such a wildcard, but let's see what tomorrow brings. One step towards sanity.

I'm happy to be returning to my blog after a long hiatus. I'm even happier to announce that I am a mother now, and going through the real-life struggles of so many couples who have come before me.

My return to blogging are three-fold:

1. When you're a mom, the days go by so fast and they all tend to blur. With "mommy brain" (aka sleep deprivation), you tend to forget a lot of things. With my baby girl, I want to document all of it - the good and the bad and the ordinary. I want to look back and remember all the special little moments.
2. When you're a mom, you lose a bit of sanity. You spend 24/7 with this baby and you go through a lot on your own and sometimes you feel like you have no one to talk to. Sure, friends come to visit and see how you're doing, but there's so many times you can complain about how sleep deprived you are before it just sounds monotonous. Here, I can do all the bitching I want and I don't have to bore anyone who doesn't want to listen.
3. I'd like to share my experiences and advice to whoever wants to hear it. I want any future mothers out there to know that this thing called "parenting" is hard, and they are not alone in this experience.