I love home but does it love me? I appreciate the familiar surroundings and the people that I love and think about and care about constantly, but do they love me? Or has a year been long enough for them to adjust to a life without me that the sad reality is, I just don't belong here anymore.
My home is not a home, but a game where I constantly have to avoid obstacles or else "Game Over" for me. Maybe I'm the obstacle and I'm just in the way and disrupting the natural order. Either way, my parents are too old to care and with the very small exception of my one niece, no one else seems to either.
Since I've come back, I try and try to involve people in my life constantly, but things have changed for them. Everyone has their own separate world. It just seems like I'm becoming a nuisance instead and people will meet up with me just for the sake of doing so, and when that's done, it's back to the "natural order." It's exhausting feeling like having to force people to hang out with you. I understand people have work, their own friends, their own events, their own lives - it's just sad when you're not part of it anymore, that's all. I'm sick of being punished by my friends but especially family members for doing something for myself for once and going to Korea. Beyond, "How was Korea?" no one really asks the question, "How are you?"
I came back for this place and for these people. Do I miss Korea and teaching and my friends and students there? Hell yes. But I chose to be here. I just wish I knew why these days.
and it's not a big deal at all
in fact, as a Christian, we don't really "need" anything. so the minute i decide that i can't live without a material object, then that becomes an idol to me. that is the last thing that i want.
but i'm angry, and i can't let go of it. i feel so robbed.
i know it all happens for a reason. there's a reason right at the last minute, i lent my camera to mike and took out my memory card and placed it in my wallet. and then there's a reason that only 10 minutes later, i lose my wallet which then becomes stolen. i don't know what the reason for losing all my precious pictures is, but i'm sure there is one!
i'm making a big deal out of nothing, i know. sigh...
i just don't feel good right now
