Lunch Fail

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Look, this is it. I've had enough with being treated differently by those I consider my friends. Is there something about me that makes people want to treat me badly or treat me as if I'm not a human being with feelings?

I haven't seen you in three months. We got along really well and I missed you and of course I wanted to see you. You initiated having lunch with me about three weeks ago. You cancelled last week at the last minute and it was cool, so we went today instead. Firstly, we work in different buildings and I agreed to meet you in your building so it took me ten minutes to walk out of my way to see you. You were late. So we went to the park to have lunch. We had lunch but you were just acting absent the entire time. You asked me a question so I tried talking to you, but you would keep interrupting me while I was talking. It happened twice in five minutes, and it just made me want to get up and walk away from you. If you didn't want to spend time with me, why bother initiating the lunch? I asked you if you were okay and you said you were fine, just tired. That was no excuse to act as if you didn't want to be there.

You began to ask very non-interestedly, as if you didn't even care what the answer was, "So how's that guy you're with? That guy.. what's his name...?"
"Michael?"
"Oh is that his name." It's clear you don't give a shit.

Then your friend spotted us and came to say hello. You face lit up and all of a sudden, you were your normal, jovial self. Apparently you have not seen this friend of yours in a while too. You congratulate him on his engagement, and then he sits down and just takes over the conversation. You two then start to talk about all the music festivals that are happening in the city, and about vacations you're going to take. The whole time I am thinking, so are you going to leave now? Wouldn't the normal social conduct be to say hello, recognize that she's with another friend, and then leave? Nope. He just stays the entire time and then all of a sudden, its 1:05 and we have to get back to work.

I hug her goodbye and walk away thinking, wtf was that.

I've been having a lot of strange interactions with people lately and I am convinced that there's something about me that makes people act this way. Needless to say that this was a horribly unsuccessful lunch (I didn't know you could fail at lunch) and if she could have at least apologized or shown some sort of care for what happened, I wouldn't be as pissed as I am right now.

Three.

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One: Appreciation. Ask graciously, receive generously.

Two: Understanding. Don't shoot the messenger and overreact in anger.

Three: Belief. Have faith instead of doubt.

"Make every effort to live in peace with everyone"

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People are fickle.

It's easy to make someone happy and yet even easier to make someone upset. 

After this crazy summer, I am ready for a break and a little hibernation from the events, the trips, and the drama. At my very core, I just want to be happy and I genuinely want the same for everyone around me. 

I avoid potential conflict, not because it scares me, but because it escalates stupid arguments and creates a bigger rift than when it started. I let myself get hurt a lot. I let others take advantage of the generosity, I give far more than I would ever take, I let others feel belonging if it means that I get left out, and I will always go out of the way to inconvenience myself if it it makes things more convenient for others. Some people may call me stupid, but that is just who I am. I can't not open a door for someone. I can't not let someone else have a bigger slice of the pizza. It's just not in my nature. 

Believe me, it doesn't make me more liked as a person. If anything, people treat me with even less respect. I'm not stupid, I can see right through everybody. I get it, I don't live up to many people's standards. I hate trying to feel like I have to belong and that I'm the odd one out. It hurts me the way that people treat me sometimes, but do you know how I see it? I'd rather be hurt than have someone else feel hurt. If I don't get my first pick so that someone else could have their first pick, I would gladly make that sacrifice and for that, I have no regrets.

After everything, I still feel blessed. Everyone hates this word but I love it because when I am down, I just think about how blessed I am to have what I have, and it makes me smile. I have someone in my life who manages to make me smile every single time I cry (and I cry a lot) and never lets me forget that I'm the most special person in the world. I am so lucky. And I have my father who gave me everything I could possibly want, even giving me these challenges because he knows I can handle them. 

I think lately there were many times I had to shut everything out, close my eyes, take a deep breath and ask for guidance. My father has taught me well to hold my tongue, forgive quickly and move on. I think it's made me stronger and when I quickly look at all the wonderful things I have been blessed with in this past year, I think it's worth it. 

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Jesus Set Boundaries

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http://www.soulshepherding.org/1998/07/jesus-set-boundaries/


This article perfectly incapsulates everything I'm feeling right now: tired, burnt out, spiritually low, spread too thin, resentful and not a cheerful giver. 

It seems like everyone demands too much out of me, whether it be at work, with my parents, or my friends. At the same time, I do too much for everybody and I spread myself too thin. It's not that I feel resentment of people not doing things for me since I feel pretty independent and rarely ask others for help (excepy maybe Michael when I force him to do my dishes.) The problem is that I'm not setting my boundaries. It is impossible for me to be there for everybody all of the time. I've always had a hard time saying no to people because I don't want to let them down but also, because I'm afraid if I do, I will lose them. It's not selfish to say no, to retreat and take some time yourself because in that time, you can heal and recuperate. If you don't, you let yourself get fatigued, bogged down by other people, and you start doing things out of compliance and not out of your own free will. In the end, it makes you resent the people who ask for things. 

God said that when you give, give cheerfully. I've beem giving a lot lately but I don't feel at all cheerful. Maybe it's time to retreat and take some time for myself, spend a little more time with God and just mentally and physically recover.