show me somebody who cares anymore
someone who can look at me and see the good, and not make me feel like everything i do is wrong. who makes me feel like maybe i'm not so alone because well by golly, you could've damn well fooled me! who doesn't make me feel like i'm this complete fat ass butt ugly loser that people (those who used to be my friends but how now made themselves enemies) just point and laugh at. you talk about me and i know it and it kills me and makes me want to die, so you win, but to add insult to injury you kick me and you rub my pathetic life in my face and you make me want to not exist anymore. just take some pills and not exist anymore, but i guess i can't do that because things could get better and i would never want to leave without seeing if that is indeed true, that things could get better. what are some things that you talk about. marilyn is being such a bitch, she is such a loser, she is acting unreasonable, what she did was wrong, you just don't "do" that, glad that she's suffering now, let's all give her the cold shoulder or act as if we're her friends and smile but really talk shit behind her and all hang out in a group of all of her old friends but not invite her but then make sure she knows that we're all hanging out on purpose without her just to piss her off and then continue talking shit which may ultimately lead her to her untimely demise because she can't stand this fucking world anymore. but, maybe some time along the road i will meet some nice people who will allow me to be myself again and not have to suppress every feeling or every thought and maybe be happy and make me laugh and make me feel wanted and actually listen to me and have my problems heard and be sympathized with and let me live without having to feel guilty about it. probably not, but it was good while it lasted when it did, even though most of these friendships just turned out to be lies but at least people's ugly sides were revealed and that's always a good thing because i don't like being deceived. why are people being so mean? seriously, really think about it, just really focus on this thought - what did i do? did i mean to hurt anyone, did i mean to cause suffering, did i mean to act out - or was i just really depressed and yearning for support, or did i feel betrayed and just needed reassurement that my friends were really my friends and would always be there for me no matter how much paranoia i had. but instead of being the friends one would expect them to be, they wind up confirming your paranoid thoughts about being those ugly, vicious people who turn their backs on you and backstab you (and for what?) and do everything in their power to make you feel pain, unrelentlessly, and on purpose. i don't give if no one is on my side anymore, i am tired of being the floormat who accepts the guilty verdict and lies to myself by convincing myself that i have done wrong. that i have done wrong. that i have done wrong. why do i always have to make sacrifices and look at other people's perspectives and pretend that i agree with them at my fault only to make things better. when will that somebody open their heart, open their mind and look at things from my perspective to try to understand where the hell i'm coming from, instead of always making me out to be irrational or unreasonable. by doing that to me, you only make me scared of my thoughts, scared to voice what i feel and have me store up all of this anger and bitterness and sadness and hatred that just ends up eating away at me. can't you see, the marilyn you talk to and the marilyn you see is not me. you are hanging out with a person who is constantly hiding from the world, biting her lip constantly to avoid saying things that need to be said, keeping all of her feelings (loneliness, sadness, anger) to herself to avoid conflicts or confrontation, and who clings on to people who frankly don't give a rat's ass, for dear life because she has nobody else. she focuses on keeping the people around her happy even at her own expense, and lets people use her because the very thought of being wanted is the only thing keeping her sane. i can't say the things that i want to say for fear what people will think of me. everything i could possibly say or do is wrong, will hurt somebody or make myself look bad in light of other people. since when did other people go out of their own way to try to watch what they say around me? no one seems to go through lengths to hold in their negative remarks about me or make me feel bad about myself for nothing. no one is holding their tongue to compete for my affections or my approval, so why is it that i have to give that same privilege to everybody else? you know what, if you don't like me, then good. now i have no friends but at least i have my dignity. if i am so unpersonable, unlikeable, not fun to be around, unfunny, rude, stupid and an overall bitch, then don't hang around me anymore - stop making me feel like i have to be this "perfect" girl all the time who doesn't get angry about anything and is not high maintenance and who is unique and not like any other girl. i am a regular person. if there's something to be angry about, i will get angry about it. i am high maintenance. i am VERY cheap-ass. i am extremely picky. i am cautious. i am (overall) rude-abiding. i am terrified of insects. i do care about my hair or my general apperarance in public to an overexcessive extent. i am bad at cooking, bad at sports, bad at videogames, bad at dancing, bad at music. i dislike pool, foosball, bowling, golfing, swimming, and family guy. i'm not beautiful and i don't have a nice body or nice hair or nice skin. i am not interesting to talk to if you don't like talking about your personal life. i do drink alcohol to get tipsy to act a little stupid. i get depressed and sensitive and emotional. i am a loser and i can't even make up for it with intelligence because i'm lacking in that as well! this is just who i am, and no one's being a good friend to me by stopping me from constantly trying to go out on the limb to impress them. when will that someone come, who will tell me, "just be who you are" and stop me from makng a fool out of myself.
