Back in Korea, I felt like a somebody. I enjoyed being called the "#1 teacher" by my bosses and my students complimenting me. I enjoyed the love that Korean store owners would generally exude. I enjoyed feeling like I was part of something great. I was spoiled with love.
Things back home are not what they used to be, especially since when I left. I didn't remember always being tormented and genuinely scared to live in my own house. Then again, I had a job. This unemployment period is hell and for one reason: I have to share my days of "freedom" with my brother... like being alive but trapped in a coffin.
SO THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING ALIVE?
Things are bad, guys. I complain and joke openly because I don't want pity/sympathy, I just want to inform. But any sane person could not live like this. I have negative un-Christianlike thoughts and being at home (with my parents too) brings out the worst in me.
In my family, everyone just has these undeniably low opinions of me. They cannot fathom that I am not a baby anymore and I'm not that spoiled and selfish girl I was when I was like 8. My oldest brother hates me because he's disappointed in how I turned out. He also thinks I am spoiled and disrespectful since I didn't live through hardship like he did in Vietnam. I understand and it makes sense. I've not always been the best daughter up to highschool, but going away to University really changed my view of family life. I really loved my parents and missed them to death and came home and showed them love. Everything I did was for them. Getting a University degree. Working in the summers. Following a designation. Going to Korea (my mom pushed me after I wanted to back out several times). They just never knew it.
My family doesn't realize my appreciation towards them. I didn't even know I was spoiled after my childhood days and if I am now, I don't know how to be unspoiled. I try my best not to ask anything from my parents and whenever I use the car, I don't hog it, I always take them into consideration. I always offer to help, they just don't want me to because they think I will fuck it up. I never get a chance to show them I can actually do things. When I do, they find ways to criticise how I'm doing it. Is that just Vietnamese families in general? I don't know, but trust me, there's no winning - ever.
They complain how I can't do anything yet they never give me a chance to try or at the very least, LEARN. I always ask if I could cook dinner but my mom always says that no one will like what I cook. I ask if I could mow the lawn and they say my brother would kill me for f***ing it up - HUH? Our lawn has only WEEDS, I don't see him doing any better of a job! They only thing I could do for them is wash the dishes and even when I do that, my brother chastices me (of course the rudest possible way: indirectly, to my mother calling me "your daughter" in front of my face) for spilling droplets on the floor. #1 - Tell me to my face (IT DOESNT EVEN HAVE TO BE NICELY) so I could stop because it was obviously not on purpose, #2 - If it bothers you so much, MOP IT UP YOURSELF and SHUT THE F UP. There's no holding back or showing concessions. It's just attack after attack after attack. Have you ever considered that your words are unnecessary and they are not helping anyone? On a side note, whenever I'm around he gets out a knife and puts in on the table. What are you going to do? STAB ME?! What the f is your problem you crazy psycho person. Oh also he threw a pot at me and raised a knife at me. Thankfully, that was the worst of it. Anyway, I'm going off topic.
I try my best to be the good girl any normal parents would want their daughter to be, but no. They just want me to have money. I am so glad I was not brought up as a typical Viet person because if my whole objective in life was to obtain money, my life would be pathetic and meaningless. It doesn't matter that I graduated from University. It doesn't matter that I am pursuing my CMA designation. I could be the Queen of England but if I'm broke ass, then I am worthless. And that's how I am viewed by my family: the baby who is perpetually worthless. I felt like I was making a name for myself in Korea but I come home to feel like nothing. And what's sad is that these are the parents who I specifically came home to, who are making me feel like nothing. Good going Marilyn.
This is not an unhappy ending. There are many good days. I was touched the one time of my life where my dad stood up to my brother for me - it was a nice surprise. I am still blessed and fortunate I lived through what I lived through. And maybe I am spoiled. Doing all of this travelling, seeing what I've seen - maybe no person is allowed to be this fortunate. I had my selfish time and now it's time to pay. Life is a full of ying and yangs and maybe this is just my economic recession. Things can only get better?
