if you've had the unfortunate opportunity to have been in my presence lately, you would have noticed that i look tired, unhappy, unenthusiastic. this i blame on the lack of balance in my life. for me, winter term is about doing well in studies and balancing out all of the bad grades of fall term with good grades. new year's is meant for making resolutions, the most important being not going out and not eating out, because i need to study and because i have no fucking money. but these two resolutions i keep breaking again and again, so after tonight, that is the end of it.

i do not want to come home at 4AM and wake up at 2PM anymore. i do not want to spend at least 10 bucks on food i can make for virtually free. no more alcohol, phone conversations, long distance travelling, clubbing, unhealthy late night meals. there are some people i never get to see and i really want to spend time with them, but i can't. but i also can't take when they make me feel guilty because of it. people think i am out there, having fun but have you really seen me? i continually make sacrifices just to make other people happy and i extract no benefit from it, but i've reached a point where i can no longer smile and mean it, and that scares me the most. i just want people to think of me and sometimes, just let me say "no."