I let go a lot of what my brother does and says for piece of mind. It hurts like a bitch; usually after he throws one of his psychotic tantrums at me, I have to spend an entire day in catatonic state watching happy episodes of television to relieve myself of angry thoughts - but I don't dwell on it. Actually, by retelling stories of his fits of rage, it becomes funny at just how ridiculous he is and it makes living through it just the bit easier.
However, when he gets the least bit irritated (at about everything, little things, and all the time), he refuses to hide it. He unleashes his anger in every which way possible which means getting out knives, throwing pots, slamming refrigerator doors, slamming regular doors, calling me derogative names, etc. What pisses me off is the lack of reasoning in any of his actions. It stresses me out to the point where I just want to get hit by a car and die so that he could finally be at peace.
I came up with different plans of attack/defense, testing a combination of them out to see which would yield the best results:
- Fighting back for what is right - I have a hot temper too, a lot of my family members do. It's the fact that I mitigate it and stay calm and reasonable that makes the difference. When someone bullies me for no reason, I feel compelled to seek revenge. I do and say a lot of things that I later regret and my family members will use this against me for the rest of my life (Viet parents tend to regurgitate their child's misssteps over their lifetime and forget their achievements). This yields the worst results. As a wiseman says, "When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourself. Because it is the self that wants to be destroyed."
- Crying and hiding in my room - No one feels sorry for me, which makes crying a lot more depressing. This tactic does nothing to help the situation and it's a time waster. I'm usually out of commission for 3 or 4 days before I can recover and start eating my dinners outside of my bedroom. I am too busy right now for this method
- Being "good enough" for him - If he's throwing tantrums about everything I do and say, why don't I just stop doing those things? He accused me of talking shit about him to his kids, when he overheard Mercedes asking me, "Why is daddy so mean to you?" So I don't answer these questions. He complains about me splashing water when I wash the dishes, so I will use less water. He tells me to watch my language around the kids, so I will just say, "What the-" instead of "What the fuck" (not like I ever had but I was wrongly accused of doing so and he ended up slamming the door in anger while I was on skype with my Korea co-worker. Embarassing). He complains about me doing laundry and putting it on the setting where it beeps, so I will just not do laundry. He complains about me not washing the pan while I was eating my breakfast, so I will wash all of my dishes before I can eat my meal. Whether or not I agree, I've adjusted all of my ways to make this househouse a happy and stress-free zone. In the end, there was always something to complain about and the fact was: he didn't need a reason. It was not going to stop because, sadly, he is just an angry person who needs to unleash his anger unto the world. And by world, I mean me.
- Talk it out like two adults - I can't believe I thought this would work. I approached him after overhearing him call me a bitch (when I haven't even been home for a week when I moved away) and I could've been mad and yelled. Instead, I asked, "Can we just talk this out?" He laughs and says, "Move out of my way you fucking bitch." Every time I would approach him to try to talk it out, he would just ignore me. Or talk through my mom and say, "Tell her I don't listen to anything she says because she's dead to me." Or laugh.
- Be passive-aggressive - This is HIS specialty. I can not-so-subtly slam my door in retaliation to his door-slamming, or spit in his cup, or rub purrell over his chair (I didn't know why I thought that would be a clever idea), or throw remarks about him to my family members here and there... but it takes a lot of hate and petty anger. This is not the high road and although you feel a sense of short-term justice, it quickly fades away and you just feel stupid for lowering yourself to his standards
- Do nothing and act as if everything is normal - This is my current strategy. It involves having a tough skin and refusing to hear the negative (and misinformed) things he says about you. I can't lie and say it doesn't piss me off when he's talking pure horse shit about me to my own parents. I feel helpless and just fucking aggravated when I can't defend myself nor call him out on all the shit he does to me. But since learning the hard way that in this family, reason simply cannot win, I've opted to just let people think what they want to think. Haters gonna hate.
Is this the best method? I don't know. It's a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose-lose situation. It's hard to hear negative things about yourself and be so helpless to do anything about it. But I don't seek my parents' help or sympathy, I'm strong without it. When crazy things happen I just think, "Wow, he's crazy," and don't let myself get mad or cry. Also, when I act positively as if everything is normal, it drives him insane. He gets so worked up and complains so much about what annoys him, it must drive him crazy to be thinking about me that intensely at all hours of the day. This puts me at rest. I don't feel good, but I feel all right.
Post a Comment