Sometimes it's hard to keep up with this blog because I go through a myriad of emotions in any given day. I tend to start a draft I won't get to finish, and then I'll go through something completely different the next hour that I'll want to write about. It just goes to show that motherhood (and life) is a constantly changing landscape and you just have to hold on for the ride. And try not to let go.

So, didn't know this would be a thing, but baby loves daddy and (seemingly) hates mommy now. Before you laugh this off, imagine you spending all your waking moments taking care of this baby with your blood, sweat and tears. And you try for hours to play with your baby and elicit a smile, a laugh, a coo, anything, and she doesn't and you just think maybe she's been tired all day. Then daddy comes home and he looks at her for a moment, then she smiles. Another moment, a laugh. The next you know it, they're both talking up a storm with one another. What?! Surely it's a coincidence. So after she smiles, we turn her towards me, and she furrows her brow, frowns and looks down. We turn her to daddy, face lights up, huge smile and a laugh. We repeat this exercise 10 times with no change in results. We switch sides. No change. We repeat this at multiple times of the day in different locations. No change. She always smiles at daddy and she gives a big metaphorical middle finger to mommy. What?! Is this seriously a thing?

I have enough issues to deal with but now my worst nightmare is coming true. Babies have never liked me (see: all my friend's babies) and they have always liked Michael (see: all my friend's babies). Is it my RBF? Do they sense my fear of them? Do I try too hard? But with my own baby, I never would have imagined she would show such blatant favoritism.

I first noticed it when I went home for the weekend. She was smiling and laughing off a storm with every new face she saw - grandma, grandpa, auntie, uncle, Vanessa, Brian, especially daddy... it came off so naturally, but... where were my smiles? I used to get some smiles and laughs here and there but what happened all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? Is she tired of my face? Can she tell I'm severely sleep deprived? Am I depressed and my baby senses it? Does my baby not think I'm her mother? Am I just a strange lady always hanging around where she's not wanted?

No matter what I did, I could not elicit one smile. I hope this phase passes because it's not fun for me to watch my baby look depressed at me but when she turns to daddy, it's instantly party time. When I tell this to people, I say it as a joke but this hurts me to my core. I just want so hard not to suck at this, but I can't even get my own baby to like me. How crappy is this?

The one solace I get from the internet is hearing other mums (to quote one mum "I honestly feel like climbing out my window and jumping") and feeling that you're not alone in this.

I think I'm having a mental breakdown. This is so fucking hard. You have your good days and then you just have your miserable, piece of shit days where you honestly feel like everything is going wrong and you just want to run away. This is just so tough. Her waking up constantly through the night. Her refusing to nap more than 30 minutes at a time. Her throwing tantrums when I try to breastfeed her. Having to pump 8 times a day. Having to clean pumping equipment 8 times a day.  Trying to teach her good habits and nothing working. Her fussiness about every damn thing. Her constant crying. Having to do squats all day just to not have her cry. All this while severely sleep and energy deprived. Having to repeat this every. single. day. Feeling like the worst mother in the world. I am so tired. There is no positive thinking here. There is no "this will get better." This is just, I am tired and I feel really alone and isolated.

I need help but I hate asking for it. Especially from kind friends and acquaintances of mine. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak. I don't want people seeing me this low. I hate feeling like I'm a crappy mother that can't even take care of her own child. I don't want to feel like I "owe" anyone anything. I don't want to feel obligated to be grateful to others for doing this for me. But I do need help. Maybe I'll go home...

---

We were afraid that by waking her up from her deep sleep, she wouldn't fall back asleep. Lately her wake up schedules have been 2:30AM, 4AM and 5:30AM and every 5 minutes after that until 6AM, and then finally again for her official wakeup at 7AM. Let's just say it has been frigging exhausting.

She fell asleep around 10:30PM last night and put her down when we got home from fireworks. Mike and I made a plan where he gets all the wake-ups before 5:30AM and I get everything after 5:30AM. But something magical happened. SHE SLEPT ALL THE WAY TIL 6AM. Mike woke up naturally (btw we thought waking up naturally was something that went extinct once our baby was born) and woke me up somewhat frantically not knowing what to do. Was our baby okay? Was she breathing?  Did this just happen? Did God bless us with some sleep?

The night before, we read this sleep website and apparently the #1 reason for babies waking up early (early meaning between 4AM and 6AM) was due to sun light creeping in. We bought temporary black out blinds from Ikea and hung them loosely and thought that was enough to do the trick but apparently if you can see your hand in front of your face, it wasn't dark enough. So I told Mike to seal the windows with duct tape to make sure absolutely no sun would trickle in and it seemed to do the trick. Every day is such a wildcard, but let's see what tomorrow brings. One step towards sanity.

I'm happy to be returning to my blog after a long hiatus. I'm even happier to announce that I am a mother now, and going through the real-life struggles of so many couples who have come before me.

My return to blogging are three-fold:

1. When you're a mom, the days go by so fast and they all tend to blur. With "mommy brain" (aka sleep deprivation), you tend to forget a lot of things. With my baby girl, I want to document all of it - the good and the bad and the ordinary. I want to look back and remember all the special little moments.
2. When you're a mom, you lose a bit of sanity. You spend 24/7 with this baby and you go through a lot on your own and sometimes you feel like you have no one to talk to. Sure, friends come to visit and see how you're doing, but there's so many times you can complain about how sleep deprived you are before it just sounds monotonous. Here, I can do all the bitching I want and I don't have to bore anyone who doesn't want to listen.
3. I'd like to share my experiences and advice to whoever wants to hear it. I want any future mothers out there to know that this thing called "parenting" is hard, and they are not alone in this experience.