Sometimes it's hard to keep up with this blog because I go through a myriad of emotions in any given day. I tend to start a draft I won't get to finish, and then I'll go through something completely different the next hour that I'll want to write about. It just goes to show that motherhood (and life) is a constantly changing landscape and you just have to hold on for the ride. And try not to let go.

So, didn't know this would be a thing, but baby loves daddy and (seemingly) hates mommy now. Before you laugh this off, imagine you spending all your waking moments taking care of this baby with your blood, sweat and tears. And you try for hours to play with your baby and elicit a smile, a laugh, a coo, anything, and she doesn't and you just think maybe she's been tired all day. Then daddy comes home and he looks at her for a moment, then she smiles. Another moment, a laugh. The next you know it, they're both talking up a storm with one another. What?! Surely it's a coincidence. So after she smiles, we turn her towards me, and she furrows her brow, frowns and looks down. We turn her to daddy, face lights up, huge smile and a laugh. We repeat this exercise 10 times with no change in results. We switch sides. No change. We repeat this at multiple times of the day in different locations. No change. She always smiles at daddy and she gives a big metaphorical middle finger to mommy. What?! Is this seriously a thing?

I have enough issues to deal with but now my worst nightmare is coming true. Babies have never liked me (see: all my friend's babies) and they have always liked Michael (see: all my friend's babies). Is it my RBF? Do they sense my fear of them? Do I try too hard? But with my own baby, I never would have imagined she would show such blatant favoritism.

I first noticed it when I went home for the weekend. She was smiling and laughing off a storm with every new face she saw - grandma, grandpa, auntie, uncle, Vanessa, Brian, especially daddy... it came off so naturally, but... where were my smiles? I used to get some smiles and laughs here and there but what happened all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? Is she tired of my face? Can she tell I'm severely sleep deprived? Am I depressed and my baby senses it? Does my baby not think I'm her mother? Am I just a strange lady always hanging around where she's not wanted?

No matter what I did, I could not elicit one smile. I hope this phase passes because it's not fun for me to watch my baby look depressed at me but when she turns to daddy, it's instantly party time. When I tell this to people, I say it as a joke but this hurts me to my core. I just want so hard not to suck at this, but I can't even get my own baby to like me. How crappy is this?

The one solace I get from the internet is hearing other mums (to quote one mum "I honestly feel like climbing out my window and jumping") and feeling that you're not alone in this.