With recent developments, I've been thinking a lot about what I look for in a guy on the first date. I think I would like someone to be completely straight with me - no games, no charms. I don't want to have a conversation about ourselves or our work. Just any other topic other than ourselves. I don't like reading people's minds, I just want someone to be completely straightforward without the added pretentiousness. And if they are pretentious, I would like to know that within the first few minutes of the date so that I wouldn't have to waste any more of my time.

First dates are too awkward. I wish there was a way past the awkwardness and past having to try so hard to be liked. I hate having to force conversations or having to force fun. I don't remember how it feels to meet someone and be completely awe-inspired by them. I don't recall having ever met a guy on the first date and be completely smitten by their personality.

I feel like I don't fit into a cookie cutter mould. There are always different "types" of people and I know a lot of people say this, but I do feel truly different. This is not a good thing. I would love to be a skinny CBC who wears Canada Goose, Lululemon ass pants and ankle-high UGGs. I would love to have some kind of fashion, even if it meant I was a goth or hipster kid. At least I would fit in and not feel so alone. I am weird in some ways and too normal in other ways. But I am different and it is hard to find a suitable match for this human anomaly. I can't even picture myself with anyone which is why I am not so interested in looking. It would be relatively nice
to have someone to watch scary movies with again, but if that's my only reason, I'd rather be alone.

I've had some first dates that have gone really well. Those were simpler times when so many factors didn't matter. But I'm a girl, and as hard as I try not to be picky, they do matter. I'm not a catch and I feel like the world is waiting for me to undergo some ugly duckling transformation and expect me to lose a bunch of weight and get pretty but it ain't happening. The point is, I know someone in my situation has no right to be picky and I sometimes scare myself with the notion that I will end up alone, but I will keep waiting. I will never settle and break another man's heart because the next person I am with, it will be the real deal.